Conway the Machine has his Shady Records debut album coming out this Friday (tomorrow from when I post this), but he decided to release a surprise mixtape Saturday afternoon consisting of a bunch of freestyles he did over iconic beats, mainly from the past few years. There are iconic Kanye songs like “Devil in a New Dress” and Donda’s “Jail”, but there’s also the already legendary “Family Ties” beat from Baby Keem and Kendrick, “Wants and Needs” from Drake, “Wilshire” from Tyler the Creator, “Hot” from Young Thug, and many more! There’s no denying that Conway absolutely destroys everything on here from a flow and bar standpoint. He matches flows with Kendrick and Baby Keem on his “Family Ties” remix, while also slowing his flow down so it fits the cinematic guitar lick of “Jail”. But for as great as his rapping is on here, it’s his honesty that really stuck out to me.
Conway’s someone that’s always been personal with his music. He’s given a detailed look into his life before rapping, including getting shot in a drive-by that left half of his face paralyzed and stories that he’s seen growing up in Buffalo. He became arguably more personal with that as well on “Earthlings,” where he admits that he was going to physical therapy after the surgery to potentially fix his face, but he decided to stop. Even on his new song “Stressed”, which came out yesterday from the upcoming album, he talks about how his cousin hung himself, that he lost a son in the hospital, and how he was physically abused as a baby. Conway's always extremely open about his personal live, but what really surprised me about this project was how open he was with his mental health.
Coming from a lifestyle that had him selling drugs, put him in jail, and led to him getting shot, I can’t imagine it was easy for him to start admitting that he was seeing a therapist and having anxiety attacks, even with all the gigantic hardships he’s gone through before. So putting on the first song and hearing him say a line like “I just want some peace and rest before I rest in pieces. I just want a piece of mind 'cause I've been stressed for weeks. Need to talk to my therapist, I feel depressed and weak,” connected with me maybe more than it should’ve. He’s not the first rapper to say something like that, but just knowing how he grew up and the stigma behind mental health he likely had to overcome to even say something like that makes it more impactful than if someone like me said it, who’s had every fortune for people to accept him for saying things like that. Having someone who’s going through the same things I’m going through, but knowing he’s gone through so much more adversity to admit what he’s experienced helps me feel better about talking about what I’m going through.
Now, I can’t and don’t necessarily want to be where he’s at for some of the coping mechanisms. He says many times throughout the mixtape when talking about his depression and anxiety attacks that he smokes to calm his nerves. There have also been interviews in the past where he’s called himself an alcoholic due to coping with his depression. Conway’s far from the first person in hip hop to use these methods as a coping mechanism. In fact, it seems to be the method of choice in hip hop. Another big one is Isaiah Rashad. He talks extensively about his poor mental health throughout all his projects, but especially Cilvia Demo. But when he talks about coping with it, it’s always a combination of weed, alcohol, and girls. While those strategies may be effective for a short period of time, they each are not good in the long run and are definitely not where I would want to look for solace in these problems. Hip hop and music in general is a fantastic place to find people to relate to, but not the best place to find answers. For those, we might have to go somewhere else.
Antidepressants are something I rarely ever considered through my years of therapy. I tried one back in early 2018 for a month or two, but then stopped quickly after the side effects started. It didn’t solve my problems, and actually made it worse for a couple weeks. Being less mature than I am now, and especially when it comes to mental health, I just never went back to the doctor’s. Four years later and so far, this winter has been up there with one of the worst. It’s kind of ironic that for how much I care about music and how much amazing music has come out so far this year that it would be a rough winter, but it is. It’s gotten to the point where I think I need antidepressants in order to give myself a chance at actually passing some of these classes, because focusing right now is near impossible. So where does one turn when wanting reassurance about antidepressants, a comedian naturally.
Taylor Tomlinson has been one of my favorite comedians for years now. Her debut special, Quarter Life Crisis, came out Netflix a week before the pandemic really kicked into gear and proved that she’s extremely quick-witted and willing to joke about herself. Even after hearing about half of the material before the special from late night appearances, I still absolutely loved that special. But this new hour that’s coming out on March 8th is completely different. After having experienced her show late this summer, she talks at length about antidepressants, her experiences on them, how they’ve helped her overcome her trauma, and so much more. Even in the trailer for the new special, the first minute of it is all about antidepressants and therapy. Just having someone speak that openly and honestly about their triumphs and struggles with medication and mental health in general is awe-inspiring and extremely meaningful.
Her special and interviews are especially meaningful now since I am starting on medication today. This post is going up right before my doctor’s appointment to see if medication is the right fit and possibly getting and starting it today. Honestly, I’m kind of terrified of it. I’m not sure if it’s just my previous experiences, or just the overall idea of taking a pill to feel better that’s making me feel nervous, but it is. It could just be because it’s something new, I’m not sure. All I know is that it’s been near impossible to pay attention and take in any information during class this semester, and it’s definitely going to start affecting my grades once these midterms start happening. To quote John Green, “I thought about how I couldn’t think”, and that sentence is how it’s felt most of the time the past month or two. So while I’m still nervous about taking them, I’m not sure there’s another option at this point that will help. Only other thing that will probably help is time, but that won’t help with making sure I pass these classes in the next few months. This at least has a possibility of allowing me to really focus in class at some point this semester. And who knows, maybe they’ll help me way more than I realize and will be something semi-permanent to help. If you or anyone else you know has taken antidepressants and you have advice for me, please let me know, I’m open to hearing everything. Thanks for reading!
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